Bipolar Awareness: Day 5

Annnnd, I'm back!

Due to being stupid in my early 20's I only have my two oldest kids on the weekends right now, so I spend Friday night and Saturday chilling with them and then we hit the internet on Sunday. :-/ I've decided that I'll focus on what every day is like for me from here on out, maybe a little back story where needed but not a lot. 

But first! I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD with Mood Disorder when I was roughly 25-27. I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with Symptomatic ADD at 29. Phew!

I never thought of doing something like this until I watched a video that was posted by Upworthy last week. It made me realise that Depression comes in all shapes and sizes. Mine is different from hers and everyone else that has made a comment on there. Every person is unique and mental disorders are even more so. 

For me, everyday is a fight to contain my irrational anger and sometimes sadness. Lately, I've had to add panic to the list. The slightest sound, movement, or touch can set my heart racing and a headache pounding out a relentless rhythm on my overloaded brain. 

As I type right now, I'm breathing deeply listening to music trying to tune out all the noise in my house, trying to calm my brain and my nerves in the hopes that my heart will beat just a tad bit calmer. Which brings me to something I mentioned in one of my other posts, coping. I now use writing and music as my primary coping techniques (I love Pandora, Jango, and YouTube for streaming music). I have always loved music, of all kinds (except Rap), it helps focus the static in my brain into coherent thoughts. It's still a little odd to explain to people that most of the time I hear , and sometimes feel, nothing but static. 

My husband can tell you that he constantly has to get my attention 2-3 times an hour. I generally have music playing 24/7 just so that I can function properly; otherwise I move on Auto Pilot and remember almost nothing that I did that day. I know quite a few people thought I was stupid for stopping my meds but they weren't me and they couldn't get inside my head no matter how hard I tried to explain it to them. Meds didn't make me want to socialize more (or less), they didn't calm my anger, sadness, despair, etc. (didn't even lessen the intensity), they did make me sleepy and lazy (but I was working a full-time job and on my feet for 8+ hrs a day with kids to care for a house to keep clean). 

Now, music (and writing) are my therapy and I'm grateful for my very long cord on my headphones so I can clean while I listen (and dance around my kitchen).