Bipolar Awareness: Day 2

Welcome to Day 2 of my Bipolar Awareness!!

 I decided to do this yesterday, well before I had an "episode", to give myself proof that I HAVE made progress with my disorder(I HATE it when people call it a disease). I know on some level that I have made progress in the last two years without medication but sometimes I feel like I could do better with medication... and then I look back at how temperamental I was on it and I know I made the right choice to stop.

I'm feeling more like myself now, not completely back to ME but getting close. So, me... Two years ago I was the proud breastfeeding, baby-wearing Momma of a beautiful, blond-haired one year old (well, there's 4 more plus her, but I'll get to that eventually). I'd been off medication (Wellbutrin XL) for almost 2 years and I was happy to stay that way. But life isn't fair and sometimes it likes to kick you when you're already down. Long story short, My family had to move into a shelter, where if you have a history of mental health issues you have to see at least a Psychiatrist and be on meds.

This was possibly one of the worst time frames of my life. Having to go to a shelter was fine, I was ready for that... without medication, I wasn't ready for it WITH medication. I felt like I was being punished for daring to have a mental disorder, something that is in no way a fault of my own. The 9? months that we were there I went through more depressive, anger and hyper spikes than I had in the previous two years and any time I brought it up, the rule book was brought out.

Talk about a slap in the face! You say you have these rules to keep everyone safe, yet when you have proof that someone in your facility is becoming more erratic on medication than they were before you started to enforce the rule, you ignore the danger all in the name of The Rules?!! Moving past that, new house, job, 3 kids living in the house, and a hubby; these four were the only reason I got up some mornings(even with meds); I still couldn't get control of my moods. Weeks of talking with my hubby about quitting the meds and we both agreed, I couldn't get any worse. I had two full weeks of meds left, fourteen pills to wean myself on. Within days of being down to only one pill, I had stopped screaming myself hoarse every other day and within a week of finishing the last pill I hadn't had a day were I felt like sleeping all day.

Four Months later I had to quit my job. Summer was coming, they wouldn't agree to cut me to nights only until the new school year began. :-( I hated my boss but I LOVED what I was doing and I hadn't felt happy with my job while I was on meds. It was just somewhere I went 5-6 days a week to act happy, friendly and helpful all while being miserable and angry.

I don't think I could go back to that and come out the other side.